I have been a lonely Jew on Christmas for nearly ten years now, and, each year, my tolerance for fail-Christmas songs lowers perceptibly.
Part of it, I know, is merely old age: when I was a child, every Wham! “Last Christmas” or NKOTB “Funky Christmas” brought me closer to an obscene quantity of disposable plastic toys. By the time my grandparents started playing decent Christmas music on Christmas Eve, my sister and I were in a Mattel-stoked frenzy, one step away from an infant Altamont.
These days, however, Hanukkah tends to show up weeks before actual Christmas, so after I have disappointed my children with eight nights of beautiful handcrafted wooden toys, educational
A month is a long time.
The heart of the problem, of course, is that every single human who has ever entered a recording studio has laid down at least one Christmas track. Matisyahu probably has a cover of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (available only on mixtape, obvs). And, according to the best available empirical evidence, at least 99.2% of these songs are objectively terrible (you cannot argue with science). There are certain songs, even among this crowd of terrible music, that make me cringe, sprinting for the door of Bath & Body Works with the complete Mangosteen Cloud Aromatherapy Set still in my basket, swerving my 1998 Nissan Maxima across several lanes of traffic in an effort to turn the radio station.
These are the Four Worst Christmas Songs.
They are not obscure songs. No, they are popular, classic songs that play without cease during the holiday season. They are everywhere: in the gym, at the dentist’s, lodged deep in my damaged brain. And they are all very bad, each in its own way.
4. Jackson 5 – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Worst lyric: “I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus / underneath his beard so snowy white.”
The Jackson 5 are among my very favorite groups. It is not their fault that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a sad song, sung in the most upbeat manner possible, in which a child discovers that his mother is carrying on a torrid and illicit extramarital affair with Father Christmas.
But it is. And knowing what we know about Joe, the Jackson paterfamilias – and the fact that, as Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Jacksons weren’t even allowed to celebrate Christmas (so what on earth was their mother doing with Santa?) — only makes the song sadder.
3. Michael Bolton – “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”
Worst lyric: anything that Michael Bolton is “singing”
Admittedly, criticizing any Michael Bolton song is shooting 1992 Christmas fish in a 2009 holiday barrel. But part of the reason Christmas music, as a group, is so horrible is that people feel the need to play Every Single Available Christmas Track in an effort not to be repetitive. This leads to a long, long playlist of predictably horrible music, and the inevitable Michael Bolton Christmas carol.
Ironically, the Jackson 5 cover of this song — upbeat and imbued with the genuine excitement small children feel for the approach of Santa Claus — is among my favorite Christmas covers.
This particular song hits all the Michael Bolton bullet points — unnecessary grit and grinding on the very lightest possible subject matter; cringeworthy faux soul; inducing a rage stroke in the endless checkout line at Michael’s — within an internally consistent framework of general suckitude.
2. Paul McCartney: “Wonderful Christmas Time”
Worst lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime / Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.”
This song’s thesis statement is as follows: “we are sitting around together, not doing much, just having a pretty decent Christmas. Repeat.” Okay, Paul. I know your highs are very high highs, but really?
I remember the very first time I heard this song. It was a VH1 Pop-Up Video Christmas-themed episode. My face looked exactly like this: (O_0) . Now when I hear the song my face looks exactly like this (>_<) .
This song represents what it must have been like to be John Lennon in 1967, trying to keep Paul the hell out of A Day In The Life. This song is Manic to John’s Depression. If I could leave with Yoko Ono, I would, too.
1. Eartha Kitt – “Santa Baby”
“Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring /I don’t mean a phone”
The recently departed Eartha Kitt was awesome for a million reasons I will not list here. This song is not awesome, and I hear it more than any other bad Christmas song, year after year.
This song is, as far as I can tell, sung from the perspective of a gold-digger to her sugar daddy, except the gold digger is Eartha Kitt and the sugar daddy is…Santa? (What is with the prevalence of women having relations with Santa Claus on or around Christmas? I thought he was married.) The song oozes with promised sexual returns to any bearded jolly-belly rich enough to shimmy down the chimney with a yacht and some diamonds.
It is a great song to play for your daughter.
I mean, she can’t expect to get that Easy-Bake Oven without putting out a little.
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