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Pa Ingalls Was Not The First Rapper

I was one of the first generations to grow up with rap music. When I was a child (in the good old days of Reaganomics) rap fell into two categories: message rap (Public Enemy) and party rap (Run D.M.C.). Message rap discussed politics and institutional racism and other important things. (Sometimes, but not always, Flavor Flav was allowed to ride-along.) Party rap was about boasting, being made to dance by the masterful DJ, and whether or not one’s parents understand. (At least, this is how I remember it in my old age.)

“Gangsta rap” came along when I was a young teen. Everything changed! There were cusses everywhere, especially this word “ho” that I repeated blithely until it occurred to me that it had nothing to do with Santa’s merriment. At first, I mocked the people who criticized this new, very popular, very open misogyny. Sometime around college, however, I realized that I was both enchanted by the music and deeply troubled by a lot of its content.

At that point, I realized rap music at large wasn’t talking to me: I was not the target audience. The self-aggrandizing lyrics, swagger and casual violence towards women were meant to invite the (male) listener to join a fellowship of powerful, desirable male peers — and to exclude me.

So why was I still listening? Why do I still listen to rap music, even now? Well, I’m not unaccustomed to being “othered” by the media I love.

Even the earliest books I read contained hints that I was not their target audience. Several Oz books contain references to Hottentots (renamed “Tottenhots” because that is clever), complete with unflattering illustrations:

Tottenhot! Get it?

Tottenhot! Get it?

In case we were confused about Baum’s feelings concerning the “Tottenhot,” this particular image illustrates a storyline in which Glinda the Witch has to put an animal through a succession of transformations, each time bringing him closer to humanity. “Tottenhot” is two transformations removed from a human being.

I definitely remember having seen these images, decades later; they have since been expurgated from more recent editions, causing something of a controversy in the “Oz community.” (You can see the other scanned pages at the link.)

Meanwhile, the author who continued the Oz series after Baum’s death, Ruth Plumly Thompson, added a popular character, Jinnicky, the Red Jinn, to the stories. Jinnicky  is served by a cast of chubby black slaves. At one point, a rebellion among the Red Jinn’s slaves is actually suppressed by Princess Ozma.

And then there was the first time of many I read through Little Town on the Prairie and fetched up against the charcoal drawing of Pa Ingalls and three friends in blackface (Wilder refers to them as “darkies”). Again, I remember this cognitive dissonance. I didn’t ask an adult what was going on; I didn’t even know what blackface was. I only knew that there was something creepy about Pa dusting his face with soot and speaking in a fake black vernacular.
Once I moved on to my ten-year Sherlock Holmes obsession, I learned pretty quickly to avoid the latter-day mystery  “The Three Gables”:

The door had flown open and a huge negro had burst into the room. He would have been a comic figure if he had not been terrific, for he was dressed in a very loud gray check suit with a flowing salmon-coloured tie. His broad face and flattened nose were thrust forward, as his sullen dark eyes, with a smouldering gleam of malice in them, turned from one of us to the other.

“Which of you gen’l'men is Masser Holmes?” he asked.

Holmes raised his pipe with a languid smile.

“Oh! it’s you, is it?” said our visitor, coming with an unpleasant, stealthy step round the angle of the table. “See here, Masser Holmes, you keep your hands out of other folks’ business. Leave folks to manage their own affairs. Got that, Masser Holmes?”

“Keep on talking,” said Holmes. “It’s fine.”

“Oh! it’s fine, is it?” growled the savage. “It won’t be so damn fine if I have to trim you up a bit. I’ve handled your kind before now, and they didn’t look fine when I was through with them. Look at that, Masser Holmes!”

He swung a huge knotted lump of a fist under my friend’s nose. Holmes examined it closely with an air of great interest.

“Were you born so?” he asked. “Or did it come by degrees?”

It’s actually really hard for me to read this quote, given how many of my junior high school daydreams took part in the Victorian London Holmes inhabited. Now, let’s be honest: that world was not racially inclusive. There are plenty of other racist assumptions in the Holmes canon — the Welsh are dark and emotional, the Southern Europeans border on hysteria both comic and murderous, Indians are invariably shady and the poor are either noble or felonious.

I suppose it’s that the black buffoon Doyle serves up is alarmingly similar to the sort of Stepin Fetchery that’s still on offer today — and still just as offensive. I knew, by the age of eleven or twelve, that I was supposed to be offended by that. Instead, I remember feeling ashamed. I wonder if the shame stemmed from this proof I was unworthy of participating in my Victorian fantasy?

I can’t answer that honestly from an adult perspective. All I know is that, despite knowing most Holmes stories practically by heart, I could not tell you what happens in The Three Gables if you put a gun to my head; one of my favorite Holmes stories was “The Yellow Face,” in which the truth about an interracial marriage comes out, without negative consequences; and that for some reason I have spent the last thirteen months building a Victorian alternate universe in which people of all hues mix pretty freely. Hmm!

The point of all these sad little vignettes, I suppose, is to prove that I’m well accustomed to the point at which an author waves me aside, saying, in effect, “I’m not talking to you.” I rail against it, but I can’t say it never happens, even today. However, I can’t just stop reading books, or only reading the books that make me feel great about myself. Some of the best and most important books were and are written by people with really backwards notions of race and gender. That doesn’t discount the fact that these books are good or important.

In the same vein, when rap is good, it’s very good. For every time Kanye West rails against gold-digging baby mamas

18 years, 18 years/ and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his

he also produces something like the last verse of “Gone,” perhaps my favorite set of Kanye rhymes –

What the summer of the Chi got to offer a 18-year-old/sell drugs or get a job, you gotta play your role/my dog worked at Taco Bell, hooked us up plural/fired a week later, the manager countin’ churros/sometimes I can’t believe it when I look up in the mirro’/how we out in Europe, spendin’ Euros

Kanye rapping ridiculous pop culture things (churros) with real-world things (Euros) never fails to make me smile.

Of course I’m against misogyny in music, of course I constantly question the relationship between the misogyny of rap music and the culture of violent sexism among young people. (I also am against the use of the word “Hottentot” outside a critical discussion of the media’s obsession with Black women’s bodies!) But I’m not going to stop listening to all rap music, any more than I’m going to torch my Oz books.

I avoid music that is actively vile, just as I avoid books that are consciously attempting to be racist. I try to find mainstream rappers who are doing something a little different from the norm, whether musically or lyrically. (Yes, Mos Def, I know, thanks. :) I get excited when a new female MC appears, then get disappointed when, almost inevitably, everyone loses interest in the “novelty.”

I wince, when an otherwise fantastic rapper describes his coterie of willing groupies in the same verse in which he enumerates his other possessions, because I know he’s talking over my head to the men in the room. But I keep listening.

What I Crafted This Weekend

1. Saroyan

This weekend, I finished my birthday present. Happy birthday, me.
Saroyan
Pattern: Saroyan (from feministy).
Yarn: Lonesome Stone Alpaca Worsted
Color: Shades of Aspen Leaves

Other than the Giant Chuppah of 2008, I think this is the first lace pattern I’ve really buckled down and finished. It was really nicely designed — the lace panel was so teeny, with only one repeat, so’s I could actually carry the project around. I knitted this shawl on MUNI, on the couch watching Hoarders, in the car waiting for school pick-up, and while sitting around at a taping of Mythbusters (”WHAT YOU SAY,” you say? Top secret until the episode airs, sorry).

I used blocking wires for the first time with this little scarf, and I have to say I wish I had had them when I blocked the Ginormous Chuppah instead of millions of little straight pins. Hindsight, etc.

2. Draft Snake

After recently acquiring Lotta Jansdotter’s recent book on sewing simple and attractive projects, I really wanted to get around to sewing a draft snake. For the uninitiated, draft snakes are narrow tubes of stuffed fabric placed across the bottoms of doors or in window jambs to block drafts, making the home more energy-efficient.

They are also a cute way to use fabric scraps!!!1!

And they are impossibly easy to make. I have a big, drafty front window, so, last Saturday,  I measured and measured, cut my little pieces of fabric, and sewed the whole thing, in a total of about half an hour. Then I went to fill it with all the rice we had in the house.

It filled about six inches of the snake.

So eventually we acquired several more pounds of rice.

Still not enough.

Draft Snake 1

(I live in San Francisco for its majestic views of the ocean.)

Here is the draft snake in its finished glory.

Ten pounds of rice. TEN. Every time I look at it I feel the pride of craftsmanship/profound guilt for filling a mildly functional decorative item with ACTUAL FOOD PEOPLE COULD EAT.

Pattern: Draft Snake from Lotta Jansdotter’s Simple Sewing
Fabric: Scraps — Alexander Henry 2-D Zoo, Kona Cotton, old cotton twill from MUNI driver costume

At least, if the End Times start, we will have a secret food source.

3. Mini Quilt

Mini Quilt

Pattern: Tiny Dishes by Virginia Cole
Fabrics: Amy Butler & other misc scraps from my Off-Kilter Pillow
Status: Not Done Yet And It’s Gonna Be A While

I like sewing big rectangles to other big rectangles. I do not like cutting out fussy little triangles and sewing them to other, equally fussy little triangles. I really don’t like cutting fabric at all, as it turns out. It’s always kinda wonky when I do it, as you can see.

I still have several rows of straight stitching — as well as binding — to do on this mini quilt. I am SO GLAD I did not jump into my first proper patchwork quilt. I can’t imagine having cut out two hundred triangles and then having to piece them together. The quilters of Gee’s Bend were already amazing to me, but now I think they are quilting superheroes.

4. Craft Space

My January house objective (this is a thing now) is supposed to be Extremely Making My Room Over. That hasn’t happened in its entirety, but at least there are no bicycles in my room, junk was sent away forever, and only the oldest unsorted papers are still lying around. It sucks much less.

I have this idea of gradually covering the wall next to my sewing machine with letterpress prints. I can’t do this all at once, but I did order some postcards from Etsy.
Postcards
They’re reproductions of a gorgeous series (almost entirely sold out) of letterpress broadsheets about feminist heroes, by Anagram Press.

Postcards 1 Postcards 2

I really hope they don’t sell out of the Harriet Tubman and Marie Curie ones before I get around to buying them, ’cause AMAZING.

Marcella Plays With Dolls

Did you have a baby doll, once?

I had lots of baby dolls. Orange Blossom I received the Christmas my little sister turned one; when you squeezed her stomach she “blew” orange-scented kisses. And Martha Jean (renamed after my grandmother), my first treasured Cabbage Patch Kid.

Eventually, these dolls were lost to history, so to speak. I don’t have any of my old dolls. I’m an adult woman with two children. Kids play with dolls to prepare for parenthood, after all.

Or do they? Is something infinitely weirder going on?

Dare Wright’s The Lonely Doll series (recently reissued) followed the richly photographed adventures of the author’s own childhood doll, Edith (named after the author’s mother). Dare Wright, herself, sometimes coddled but mostly smothered by her mother, never stopped playing with Edith; the books were born of her already obsessive hobby of photographing herself and her doll in various handmade costumes.

Jean Nathan’s meticulously researched Dare Wright biography, “The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll: The Search for Dare Wright,” argues conclusively that Dare Wright explored her sad childhood and stifling adulthood in her photographs and stories. According to Nathan, “Edith became a lonely doll, as Dare once had been a lonely little girl, wishing for a brother, however naughty, to play with, and a father who might be enlisted as a reliable parent to care for them both. In this rendition of the story, Edith’s wish comes true” (163).

Outside her home, Dare was a successful author, a sophisticated and beautiful sometimes model, pursued (hopelessly) by wealthy men; inside, Dare reenacted her traumatic childhood events with a cast of two teddy bears and a doll.  Dare never married or had children — she was too damaged for that kind of emotional intimacy — but I don’t think having a child would necessarily have changed her relationship with Edith. Dare didn’t see Edith as a baby, but as her own mirror image. With Edith, Dare could forever relive childhood, always closing with a happy ending.

I was left unsettled by the end of the biography, not thinking of Dare, but of myself. It had never occurred to me that, as a child, I might have thought of the baby dolls as versions of myself, not merely babies to play with. It makes a lot of sense though — children stop playing with dolls around the age they are beginning to craft what will ultimately be their adult identities.

I stopped playing with dolls around fifth grade, when I started being aggressively bullied. At about the same time, I developed a rich and detailed fantasy life, inventing stories where isolated young people found companionship, bullies were vanquished, and everyone lived happily ever after. Twenty-plus years later, I’m still writing stories about loners making good.

Dare Wright played with dolls well into her sixties. I don’t play with dolls — I write stories with characters.

That’s very different, right?

Good Enough

I warned you I was going to post a scrapbook page.

I actually finished a paper scrapbook page! If you knew how many adhesive foam letters (THICKERS!), designer papers (A LA CARTE!) and empty albums (IMAGE OF SAD FACE!) I owned, you would feel slightly contemptuous of me.

But! I completed a scrapbook page. And it was aligned okay and contained photographs. Pretty papers help.

It turns out I like cutting out pretty pictures of paper, adhering stickers to them, and telling stories. (The telling stories part I had already figured out). It’s very satisfying, and has a definite ending. When it is in the plastic sleeve, it is done. No editing. Misspellings stay.

My big lesson for 2010 (besides No Martyrs) is probably Good Enough. I am a Good Enough scrapbooker. I am not likely to win awards, or have my own show. I am not as good at it as I am at knitting or writing or singing or even running. But it’s fun, and you can’t be the best at everything. (Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah. I tell my children that all the time.)

So hooray for my Good Enough scrapbook page. It was fun to make, and I’ll be making a bunch more before my class! with Cathy Z! is over.

No Martyrs

Traditionally, my New Year’s resolutions come with a hefty dollop of guilt. I don’t, by any means, think I’m alone in this. The very nature of a list of resolutions involves tasks that we feel a nagging need to do — lose weight, get married, lose weight before getting married, etc. Since my birthday is January 5th, I get to feel the traditional pressure to step up my expectations for the new year coupled with the cold breath of mortality on my neck. Yay! And by February, of course, if not by January 7th, all these resolutions — eat fifteen organic vegetables an hour; organize ten years of paperwork by yesterday; raise polite, well-behaved, and grateful children to adulthood — have fallen by the wayside.

It is hard to describe how good I am at graphic design (no martyr).

This year, I’ve decided that one resolution is going to get rid of that sad failure-feeling: No Martyrs.

I’m going to resolve to do a bunch of things I like this year, and maybe the things I don’t like will sort of fall into line. Maybe not. I don’t care. I’m not going to be a martyr, sitting around waiting for someone to give me permission to have a fulfilling life. I’m turning [redacted] years old tomorrow, and I plan on having a lot more fun starting immediately.

This will also make a lot of other people’s lives a lot happier, since a martyred mama is a bitterly sarcastic mama, and if mama is bitterly sarcastic everybody is bitterly sarcastic. Nothing is sadder than a four-year-old making biting comments under his breath.

No Martyrs: New Year’s Resolutions

1. Self-imposed moratorium on gift knitting

I love knitting for others, but, as a result, I rarely knit things I want to knit because I don’t think other people would like them. Also when you are knitting an already late gift, every stitch is infused with profound guilt and resentment. Everyone loves gifts like that.

So I am knitting myself a birthday present, and it is already almost late, and I do not care.
Saroyan

Pattern: Saroyan by Liz Abinante

It’s really fun, with mindless bits coupled with fun bits, i.e. perfect for my lifestyle. It is, implausibly, my first lacy scarf knit for myself.

Yarn: Lonesome Stone Alpaca Worsted in Shades of Aspen Leaves

Buttery soft yarn that I bought on vacation in Grand Lake, Colorado, which was thus Too Nice To Do Anything With. Not anymore! The color is gorgeous and periodically there are little bits of vegetable matter, signifying that the animals who produced the fiber hung out under the sky and thus have happy lives.

2. Finally Sign Up for a Graphic Design Class With Cathy Z.

I have been a closet scrapbooker ever since I discovered my first issue of Simple Scrapbooks, a now-defunct magazine that, instead of just relentlessly pushing product, tried to teach fundamentals of graphic design in a friendly and entertaining way. Central to this process was Cathy Z., my first graphic design crush (yes, it’s a thing! shut up) whose devastatingly simple layouts taught me that scrapbooking could be an art form. I bought both her books, I relentlessly lurk on her blog, and I just signed up for a twelve week online class with The Master. I AM NO LONGER A CLOSET SCRAPBOOKER. I WANT TO MARRY PATTERNED PAPER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME.

P.S. In the interests of no more martyrdom, I will probably be subjecting you to scans of my layouts. No Martyrs!

3. Just Buy Some Pants, Already. On Clearance.

Finding out your favorite jeans don’t fit is like throwing on your coat, going down to the garage, and discovering you can no longer squeeze into the front seat of your car. It is horrifying and Not Tenable. Jeans are the car of clothes (?). I am not a martyr, needing pants does not make me a more devoted mother or get me to the gym, I bought three pair of pants at Banana Republic yesterday.

On clearance. 30% off clearance prices, actually. Loving clearance racks is not part of my martyrdom.

4. Join a Gym

I really did like the Wii Fit for a while there, but I have always loved belonging to a gym. I love the anonymous healthy-minded people around me; I love the unlimited weights and machines; I love the lack of rain; and I was coming up with all these reasons why we couldn’t afford it.

We joined the Y. They have childcare, which I have used several times, and SHOWERS where there are no CHILDREN. And exercise equipment and what have you. Training for a 5K is suddenly 100% less impossible, not to mention all the physical therapy I have been not doing. Also running at 12 mph while listening to Jay-Z and watching Gordon Ramsay scream obscenities at a hapless restaurant owner — subtitled — is amazing.

5. Make My Room Nice

Our bedroom is the worst room in the house. It is where we keep things that need to be thrown away or donated, along with whatever laundry we have not gotten to in a month, and also all my non-knitting craft stuff from American Crafts Thickers to my cheapo Singer, and two adult-sized bicycles! It is not a nice place for sewing, or scrapbooking, or, really, sleeping. It sucks.

Step one of the redecorate is to complete an Amy Butler August Fields Duvet Cover (pdf link to pattern). This is the closest thing to martyrdom on my list because of all the stupid cutting I am having to do before I can even plug in the Singer. However, the martyrdom is mitigated by the fact that I bought incredibly pretty (on clearance!) fabrics to make the cover.
Amy Butler Home Dec Fabrics
When it’s done, there will be a ray of coral sunshine in my bedroom, trust.

6. Write the Fun Stuff

If something isn’t entertaining, exciting, or something I am happy to see on a page, I’m not going to be writing a lot of it in 2010. Are you listening, Failed, Unnamed Contemporary Romance? You’re out. 2010 is the year of the Historical with Paranormal Elements around here.

7. Miscellaneous

Eat and drink things I like to eat and drink, without feeling bad later.

Watch offensive and exploitative television for pure entertainment value.

Read more trash.

Volunteer for school tasks that sound interesting or hilarious.

Hire a singing coach.

Clean less.

Learn to swim, but only if I feel like it.

Use all the nice stuff that is for company only.

Limit children’s extracurriculars.

Rock out daily.

8. Go to the dentist

Well, I’m on my way there now, so I figured I might as well put something on the list that was about to get done anyway.

Happy New Martyr-Free Year!

The 10 Best Christmas Songs

Once, when I was taking an adult Bat Mitzvah class, I mused that, as a Jewish convert, the thing I missed most about Christmas was the smell of Douglas Fir in the hall. (Apparently, I’m not alone; the rabbi smiled and said, “everybody says that.”) I didn’t mention that I also miss my grandmother. Weeks before Christmas, she would scour the toy stores for that year’s hottest toy and prettiest clothes, and they would be waiting under the tree come Christmas morning. Every Christmas Eve, she used to pile her Lazy Susan with apples, filberts, chestnuts, and candies that we either ate immediately (wrapped miniature Hershey’s bars) or left to molder (sugared orange slices).

Christmas Eve, my grandfather might light a fire in the fireplace (or we might watch the weird burning-log show on KOFY TV 20) and, one way or another, Nat “King” Cole would sing The Christmas Song. We would run around frantically, hopped up on candy, until someone made us go to bed, then wake up far earlier than we ever would normally to demolish the stacks of gifts.

My house, come December, never smells like faulty old electric lights singeing a pine tree, minty candy canes, or egg nog. I miss the Christmas tree, but I don’t miss Christmas music, for the simple reason that I cue my favorite Christmas songs every Christmas. Most of the ones that follow are old favorites I grew up with — and thus my grandmother’s favorites — with a few newcomers. I play these every year and remember being very small and very happy.

10. Louis Armstrong & Velma Middleton — Baby It’s Cold Outside

Yes, everyone plays this song, but the interplay — recorded live — between Louis and Velma is hilarious. Christmas is all about double entendres and drinking too much anyway.

9. Diana Ross & The Supremes — Silver Bells

Diana and I have had our ups and downs, but Silver Bells is pretty and you can forgive her for ruining the Supremes, it’s Christmas.

8. Stevie Wonder — Ave Maria

While you are marveling at Stevie Wonder being a musical genius and stuff, it is easy to forget how pretty his voice is. He’s only seventeen here, and the gentle, quiet arrangement lets you hear all the youth in his voice. No one ever said Berry Gordy did not know how to produce a song.

7. James Brown — Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto

My grandmother always kind of disliked James Brown, because she was all about phrasing and sometimes you just have no idea what JB is even saying. Here, however, he makes it plain: he has marching orders for Santa Claus. “Hitch up your reindeer, UNGH! Go straight to the ghetto.” How could Santa refuse, when the request is so very funky?

6. B.B. King — Merry Christmas Baby

Everyone swears this was my grandmother’s favorite Christmas recording. It’s at least one of them. I love blues-inflected Christmas, because is there really a more potentially depressing time of year besides maybe mid-January in Duluth? This is a happy blues song, though. For once, a bluesman’s baby is treating him right.


5. Mariah Carey — All I Want For Christmas Is You

How did this get here? Wow, must be a typo, sorry.

(My only defense is this: to get Mariah, you had to be there, before the polyester short shorts, before Nick Cannon, before Glitter, before Hello Kitty. In 1990 I was twelve years old. Mariah Carey’s debut album was on the Billboard 200 for 113 weeks. You do the math. There are more of us than there are of you. We will destroy you with our dog-whistle arias. Merry Christmas!)

4. The Jackson 5 — Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

If there’s anything inadvertently depressing about this exuberant Christmas carol, it’s how sad Michael probably was while he was recording the lead. You can imagine Joe Jackson standing, menacing, outside the recording booth while his boys captured the excitement of waiting for Christmas. Sigh.

3. Charles Brown — Please Come Home For Christmas

A lot of people think this is called “Bells Will Be Ringing,” because those are the lyrics that open this R&B lament. I don’t know very much about Charles Brown, but I hate everyone else’s cover of this song, including Bon Jovi’s and even Aaron Neville’s but especially The Eagles’. No one else sounds convincingly sad-sack. (No one believes Jon Bon Jovi has ever been alone for Christmas.)

2. Lou Rawls — Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

This is so close to being my favorite Christmas song. Lou Rawls sings with such wry humor even when he is sad, and he is not sad here. He’s backed by a smooth big band, and the message is clear: it’s time to have yourself an extremely swingin’ Christmas. It’s best to do as Lou advises.

1. Nat “King” Cole — The Christmas Song

This is not exactly a deep cut. But it is the Christmas song. No one even comes close to matching Nat on this — it’s arguably his signature song. It’s bittersweet and his baritone is perfect and it can either make you warm with fuzzy memories or bawl, depending on what kind of holidays you’re having. I believe this was my grandmother’s favorite Christmas song, because it has been mine since I was tiny, and where else would I have gotten the idea?

Here’s Nat singing live on his show (I think), a version you don’t usually hear.

Have a swingin’ Christmas, y’all. Chag Sameach!

Extreme Makeover: Room Edition

My daughter watches and loves Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It’s my fault; I had a brief obsession with the show and communicated it to her. A needy family is chosen to receive a completely new house in a single week. The reveal, when the widowed foster mother of twelve/ preschool teacher/ top fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity/lupus sufferer sees her five-bedroom, three-story house for the first time, has made me cry an embarrassing quantity of times.

Anyhow, I thought it would be fun to do an Extreme Makeover: Room Edition for my daughter’s tenth birthday. How hard could it be? It was only one bedroom, after all, and I wasn’t going to replace everything. I’d sew a quilt, I reasoned (her birthday was months away at this point). I’d paint her old, graffito-ed raw wood desk. I’d buy some shelving and a new rug and do something to the walls. And I’d do the bulk of it on her birthday, while she was at school.

Several communicable illnesses later (you know, the kind that pass back and forth between the germiest members of the family and the oldest, frailest ones) I found myself five days away from her birthday, with three-quarters of a quilt top and nothing else.

So I went into Extreme Makeover mode.

1) Overindulgent grand (and great-grand) parents are happy to subsidize tenth birthday makeovers. They are even willing to pay for rush shipping.

2) I spent a deeply unpleasant afternoon at IKEA picking up bright accent pieces.

3) Later that same afternoon, I bought an organizer at Target, which was the first phase of the remodel.

4) Exhausted by IKEA + Target, I didn’t really step up my game again until the following Sunday, when we started the process of making milk paint for the desk. It’s nontoxic and produces no fumes, so I could paint right in her room without moving things around too much. I also sanded the desk and filled ten years’ worth of holes and gouges with wood filler, then sanded that down too.

5) The following Monday, I mixed up the milk paint and discovered that Martha Stewart’s milk paint recipe is a LIE. I had a total of about six ounces of (admittedly pretty) green milk paint. In the end, I barely had enough to stain the wood: full paint coverage was out of the question, not to mention painting the drawers. I decoupaged those with American Crafts papers that, yes, I had lying around the house.

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6) While I was already covered in Mod Podge, I decoupaged her old IKEA bedside table, too.
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At this point, my daughter thought I was done with her birthday present. I smiled pityingly. (Pitying myself.)

7) The day of her birthday, I sent her off to school, got caffeinated, and cued This American Life on my iPod. I cleaned her room (this is frankly the part that took the longest), replaced her old IKEA bed slats, changed her sheets to new bright chartreuse ones, and set up the bright IKEA accents (such as the trash can pictured above, next to the bedside table).

8) I covered the walls and ceiling with Pottery Barn Teens Bubble Dot Decals. I only needed one package, as it turned out, which was a relief. Borrowing a design tip from PB Teens, I also added a package of Bubble Dot Mirrors as accents.

001

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9) Pottery Barn sells a wall set of large square components — pegboards, dry erase boards and the like. They are $30 per square. I got the skateboarding fabric board on clearance for $10 and bought a perfectly sized dry erase board from Target for $8.

I had to drill into the drywall. Gah.
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10) When she arrived home on her birthday, she was surprised, in that she entered her room, stood in silence for several seconds, and then began to giggle uncontrollably, twirling in circles. BUT I WAS STILL NOT DONE. OH NO.

11) Two days after her birthday, the FLOR (modular carpet) arrived, and I spent far too long designing the perfect pattern. (I don’t get obsessed with the minutia of enormous projects, thank goodness.) Note: FLOR offers a fun online design tool that stops being fun after the first 45 minutes.

12) The same day, I decided to power through and just turn the quilt into a duvet cover. (Internet Truth Alert: I still haven’t made the ties to close the duvet cover yet. I know, I am a terrible person.)
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13) Step 13: Profit!
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The main problem with this room makeover is that now the rest of our house looks like a dingy hovel. It is like my daughter’s room is the Edwardian manor lady’s room and we are all sculleries living in the walls, but at least Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson play us in the movie version of our lives (?).

So of course for my birthday (which is less than two weeks away) we are going to do Extreme Makeover: No One Is Subsidizing My Birthday Room Makeover So It Is Going To Be Super Lame And Mostly Consist Of Sewing Another Duvet Cover Edition! Happy Birthday To Me!

The Four Worst Christmas Songs

I have been a lonely Jew on Christmas for nearly ten years now, and, each year, my tolerance for fail-Christmas songs lowers perceptibly.

Part of it, I know, is merely old age: when I was a child, every Wham! “Last Christmas” or NKOTB “Funky Christmas” brought me closer to an obscene quantity of disposable plastic toys. By the time my grandparents started playing decent Christmas music on Christmas Eve, my sister and I were in a Mattel-stoked frenzy, one step away from an infant Altamont.

These days, however, Hanukkah tends to show up weeks before actual Christmas, so after I have disappointed my children with eight nights of beautiful handcrafted wooden toys, educational books, and afterschool lessons, and permitted my husband to make the obligatory epic kitchen-destroying latke dinner, we still have up to a month of Sisqo’s “Perfect Christmas” to go.

A month is a long time.

The heart of the problem, of course, is that every single human who has ever entered a recording studio has laid down at least one Christmas track. Matisyahu probably has a cover of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (available only on mixtape, obvs). And, according to the best available empirical evidence, at least 99.2% of these songs are objectively terrible (you cannot argue with science). There are certain songs, even among this crowd of terrible music, that make me cringe, sprinting for the door of Bath & Body Works with the complete Mangosteen Cloud Aromatherapy Set still in my basket, swerving my 1998 Nissan Maxima across several lanes of traffic in an effort to turn the radio station.

These are the Four Worst Christmas Songs.

They are not obscure songs. No, they are popular, classic songs that play without cease during the holiday season. They are everywhere: in the gym, at the dentist’s, lodged deep in my damaged brain. And they are all very bad, each in its own way.

4. Jackson 5 – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Worst lyric: “I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus / underneath his beard so snowy white.”

The Jackson 5 are among my very favorite groups. It is not their fault that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a sad song, sung in the most upbeat manner possible, in which a child discovers that his mother is carrying on a torrid and illicit extramarital affair with Father Christmas.

But it is. And knowing what we know about Joe, the Jackson paterfamilias – and the fact that, as Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Jacksons weren’t even allowed to celebrate Christmas (so what on earth was their mother doing with Santa?) — only makes the song sadder.

3. Michael Bolton – “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”

Worst lyric: anything that Michael Bolton is “singing”

Admittedly, criticizing any Michael Bolton song is shooting 1992 Christmas fish in a 2009 holiday barrel. But part of the reason Christmas music, as a group, is so horrible is that people feel the need to play Every Single Available Christmas Track in an effort not to be repetitive. This leads to a long, long playlist of predictably horrible music, and the inevitable Michael Bolton Christmas carol.

Ironically, the Jackson 5 cover of this song — upbeat and imbued with the genuine excitement small children feel for the approach of Santa Claus — is among my favorite Christmas covers.

This particular song hits all the Michael Bolton bullet points — unnecessary grit and grinding on the very lightest possible subject matter; cringeworthy faux soul; inducing a rage stroke in the endless checkout line at Michael’s — within an internally consistent framework of general suckitude.

2. Paul McCartney: “Wonderful Christmas Time”

Worst lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime / Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.”

This song’s thesis statement is as follows: “we are sitting around together, not doing much, just having a pretty decent Christmas. Repeat.” Okay, Paul. I know your highs are very high highs, but really?

I remember the very first time I heard this song. It was a VH1 Pop-Up Video Christmas-themed episode. My face looked exactly like this:  (O_0) . Now when I hear the song my face looks exactly like this  (>_<) .

This song represents what it must have been like to be John Lennon in 1967, trying to keep Paul the hell out of A Day In The Life. This song is Manic to John’s Depression. If I could leave with Yoko Ono, I would, too.


1. Eartha Kitt – “Santa Baby”

“Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring /I don’t mean a phone”

The recently departed Eartha Kitt was awesome for a million reasons I will not list here. This song is not awesome, and I hear it more than any other bad Christmas song, year after year.

This song is, as far as I can tell, sung from the perspective of a gold-digger to her sugar daddy, except the gold digger is Eartha Kitt and the sugar daddy is…Santa? (What is with the prevalence of women having relations with Santa Claus on or around Christmas? I thought he was married.) The song oozes with promised sexual returns to any bearded jolly-belly rich enough to shimmy down the chimney with a yacht and some diamonds.

It is a great song to play for your daughter.

I mean, she can’t expect to get that Easy-Bake Oven without putting out a little.

A Man And A Woman Had A Little Baby

Ten years ago last Tuesday, we went from a family of two to a family of three.

Everyone says that when you have a baby, your life is changed forever. What struck me, when our tiny, spindly little person arrived, was how oddly the same everything was. Most of my tiny, non-nuclear family was in the room when she was born. There were four of us: my mother, my sister, my husband and myself. (My grandfather, a father of six, has yet to attend a birth.) There was a lot of screaming and some gentle encouragement.

And then, abruptly, there was another person. We were all the same, but it was as if we had all naturally shifted over and made room on the metaphorical couch. I held the baby, with her thick, damp, straight black hair, and my husband sang Happy Birthday, because it was.

We strapped her new carseat into the back of our 1984 Cadillac Coupe de Ville and drove, so slowly, back to our cold Cole Valley flat. The flat had no central heat, so we barricaded ourselves in the bedroom with a space heater, a warm, dark December place where she cried and we cried and everything smelled and she was such a beautiful baby, golden with jaundice and so small. I could not bear to put her in the big, cold crib so I lay her down on the bed between me and the wall, with pillows on both sides of her, listening for the barely audible breaths that meant everything was okay.

Nothing else seemed okay, for a long while of endless winter nights. We fed her, we changed her, rocked her, thousands of times, and, by the time spring came, we had built our lives around her. We had crafted our brand-new marriage to her design. She was our family. And, yet, she was the one always changing, from hour to hour, laughing and then running, and now she is basically flying.
A Horse!
She is ten. Ten! And there are four of us, now, but that is another story, because this was a story about how two became the magic number three.

Happy (belated) birthday to a Ninja Princess/Skateboarder/Basketball Player/Mathematician/Firstborn!

Marcella’s Sense of Snow…

A Room With A View

The view from my window. The white powder represents cold.

…is that it is too cold to go outside if the white powder is on the ground. So I won’t. At least not yet.

We’re in Tahoe this weekend. We finally arrived last night after an interminable car ride, during which I knit exactly two inches of Malabrigo Gruesa (color: Olive). I planned to bring my sewing machine, but stopped being crazy right before we left, which was lucky for everyone.

We also stopped at the Vacaville Outlets, ostensibly to grab lunch. My brilliant plan was for the children and their father to go have lunch while I picked up a few things. Of course, my husband would discover that Oakland’s legendary Fenton Creamery has opened an outpost in Vacaville, and eat there, and have ice cream, while I had nothing. Nothing!

Given that, despite being a clearance shopping fanatic, I have never once enjoyed a trip to the Vacaville Outlets, I don’t know why I expected this one to be different. The lowest point involved me standing, in a thunderstorm, outside the Vacaville Popeye’s Chicken carrying two shopping bags that contained nothing for me personally and a small paper bag that contained a mild chicken thigh and a biscuit that I devoured like a scavenging beast once I was finally picked up. Also, as always, I failed to see how these prices were cheaper than the clearance sections of the original stores, where nothing has an Irregular tag. (The chicken was not Irregular.) (Or was it?)

Current Ski Report: 50% of us went skiing this morning. 75% of us ultimately plan to ski. The remaining 25%  is sitting in our apartment, nursing a cold and knitting. The snow is so pretty to look at! From inside.

Gruesa

The yarn will become a present by magic.

I am working on several Hanukkah gifts at once, which is why it is so convenient to have the unbroken stretch of knitting time. (I think I am also supposed to work on a novel?) Unfortunately, because they are gifts, I cannot say much more, other than to point you towards Elizabeth Zimmermann’s Knitter’s Almanac, in particular the December section. For the other gifts, crochet hooks are involved. I think I can say the word “amigurumi” without giving anything away, given the fact that amigurumi designs range from aardvarks to zebras.

Anyhow, Happy belated Thanksgiving, The Internet! I hope you had plenty of iStuffing and eGravy, which are obviously the best parts of the mealdotcom.

P.S. If you still have Pilgrims on the brain, read Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates. If you do not have Pilgrims on the brain but you want a unique perspective on their history, read it anyway.

P.P.S. If you want the This American Life experience, the audiobook is basically a seven-hour long episode of TAL where this week’s theme is Puritans and the reader is your favorite TAL contributor, Ms. Vowell herself. AKA it is exactly what you want.